When my face is rash free, my joints are treating me nice and my fingers don’t go crazy white I can forget that I have an illness. Mostly when I have had weeks and even months of feeling better than usual. The thing about Lupus is that majority of the time it doesn’t show through on the outside. I look just like everyone else, I seem to be healthy but reality is far from that. There are times when I look into the mirror and think back to that moment I heard “You have Lupus” and find myself doubting those very words. Could it really be true? I have felt so good lately. I look okay. Maybe it was all in my head. But those thoughts come to a sudden jolt when I am reminded of my disease every day by my twice-a-day pill organizer. What twenty-something has a pill organizer? Just those that need one..
The truth is I am not in denial of my diagnosis. I’m actually okay with it. But sometimes I find myself looking and feeling like I used to and then everything becomes surreal. When I actually stop to think about those words “You have Lupus” it’s hard to believe. Not because I wish it weren’t so or because I fear what is ahead. It’s hard to believe because who thinks that they will have their world altered by words like that? No one. I seem to be healthy, and sometimes I even feel that way. But then I get reminded of just how invisible this illness really is when I wake up with achy joints and the beautiful butterfly rash to accent my face for the next several days and my stark white fingers that are my winter accessory. Truthfully it’s as simple as this… I don’t think about my disease all the time and if I am having several good days in a row I forget about this part of my life, that I have Lupus. But, I think that is a good thing because it’s pretty great that people don’t see me and see my illness. I will talk to people about it with all honesty, but I like knowing that it doesn’t have to be me. I think it’s okay to forget about your diagnosis because every day when I take my morning and evening medicine that is enough of a reminder. I don’t need to dwell on it.
I do not fear what is ahead. Rain or shine, God Has plans far greater than mine, and that includes my disease!