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“You are my strength, I watch for you; you, God, are my fortress,” Psalm 59:9 (NIV) 

This week I have been exhausted. No amount of going to bed early will help and coffee won’t do the trick. Sometimes this is just life with lupus. I have only known about my having this disease since May but the process of finding out what was going on with me began back in January. I started to notice that my fingers would turn bright white and go numb when I was cold. When I am saying white I mean stark white and it would take a solid 10 to 15 minutes before my fingers would turn back to normal. It was really alarming and I wasn’t sure what was wrong so I took a picture of them and posted it to Instagram and then I took that picture and showed it to my family doctor. At that point we began the process that lead me to my diagnosis. So many things that I have struggled with began to make sense as they were signs of my lupus yet I was unaware and by themselves they seemed harmless enough to not got to the doctor. But even then there were things that I had gone to the doctor for and it was missed, like several years back I went to the ER for chest pain and it was said that I had inflamed cartilage causing the pain but in fact it was my lupus. My symptoms were wide-spread at first so they were not being noticed and lupus is a disease that has times where it is active, flare ups, and times of remission so it wasn’t until this May that I learned what was truly going on with me.

No one wants to hear that they have a disease that they will have to deal with for the rest of their life. It stinks! But at the same time I can’t focus on that! I may not know the reason behind all this, but it is the road that has been set before me. During the long months of waiting I had no idea what was going to be determined and I had my moments of worry, but I truly believe that God gave me the strength to not focus on all the “what ifs” that were so easily there. I felt his presence during this entire process. He has a plan for us all, we may not understand that plan and guess what… that’s okay because it’s in His hands.

Every day looks different. There are good days and bad. And sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to have a bad day.

Every flare up looks different.

Today, and this week I have struggled with fatigue, but tomorrow is a new day.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (NIV) 

Yesterday at church God really spoke to me. It’s amazing how there might be several different points in a sermon but God makes sure that the one you need to hear is clear to you. I wrote last week about being still, letting God work and for me to stop giving him my suggestions. Well that was more than made clear yesterday at church. Our pastor was talking about as Christians we have access to God’s power all we need to do is ask Him, believe and to stop saying/feeling like things are impossible. Wow did that feel like I was being talked directly to! We are trying so hard to get out of debt, get our finances exactly where we believe God wants them and every time something starts to unfold that we think is what we need to have this happen it all falls a part. I have actually found myself praying saying to God how I feel like it is impossible (and of course I give my suggestions that He doesn’t need).

Last night my husband Chase and I had such a great talk. I shared my heart with him and he did the same and we had both found ourselves struggling with the same feelings. I honestly don’t know why we allow ourselves to feel this way because as God’s children we know that our lives are in His hands and He sees what we can not. This morning my friend sent me a text with a passage she had read that made her think of me and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It talked about how the circumstances you are in are for a reason, we are on His chosen path and that we can’t give up, we just have to remain faithful and attentive to Him and listen for His direction. It was another wow moment all over again. I love those moments when God lies on a friend’s heart a message for you that you really need to hear! It is always at the perfect time.

So today I am making a point to believe, trust and know that the circumstances of today are a part of God’s path for me and that they will come together for a better reason than I could imagine because as long as I stay faithful He will guide my every step!

Photo Credit: Michael Mulvey