Archives For what if

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“You are my strength, I watch for you; you, God, are my fortress,” Psalm 59:9 (NIV) 

This week I have been exhausted. No amount of going to bed early will help and coffee won’t do the trick. Sometimes this is just life with lupus. I have only known about my having this disease since May but the process of finding out what was going on with me began back in January. I started to notice that my fingers would turn bright white and go numb when I was cold. When I am saying white I mean stark white and it would take a solid 10 to 15 minutes before my fingers would turn back to normal. It was really alarming and I wasn’t sure what was wrong so I took a picture of them and posted it to Instagram and then I took that picture and showed it to my family doctor. At that point we began the process that lead me to my diagnosis. So many things that I have struggled with began to make sense as they were signs of my lupus yet I was unaware and by themselves they seemed harmless enough to not got to the doctor. But even then there were things that I had gone to the doctor for and it was missed, like several years back I went to the ER for chest pain and it was said that I had inflamed cartilage causing the pain but in fact it was my lupus. My symptoms were wide-spread at first so they were not being noticed and lupus is a disease that has times where it is active, flare ups, and times of remission so it wasn’t until this May that I learned what was truly going on with me.

No one wants to hear that they have a disease that they will have to deal with for the rest of their life. It stinks! But at the same time I can’t focus on that! I may not know the reason behind all this, but it is the road that has been set before me. During the long months of waiting I had no idea what was going to be determined and I had my moments of worry, but I truly believe that God gave me the strength to not focus on all the “what ifs” that were so easily there. I felt his presence during this entire process. He has a plan for us all, we may not understand that plan and guess what… that’s okay because it’s in His hands.

Every day looks different. There are good days and bad. And sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to have a bad day.

Every flare up looks different.

Today, and this week I have struggled with fatigue, but tomorrow is a new day.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

I am so bad when it comes to worrying about the “what if.” What are the “what ifs” that I worry about? Well, will I get sick. Will my son or husband get sick. Why does my arm hurt, could it be something bad (or something along this idea)? Will our finances always be taken care of? What would I do if something happened to my husband. When we were trying to get pregnant I worried we wouldn’t be able to. What if that person doesn’t like me. That should give you a little idea about some of the things I worry about. I know I am not the only one who thinks about these things. It is almost like second nature to entertain these thoughts. The only problem is that they are what ifs. They are not the present and reality of what is going on. We can not see the future or control it, so then why do we worry about it? Not long ago I heard my pastor talk about fear. When we fear we are putting our faith in the what ifs. Isn’t that exactly what we are doing when we worry? I felt like he was talking right to me. Right then I decided to give it up to God. Instead of being weighed down by situations beyond my control I am giving it to Him. Now, I will be the first to tell you I am not perfect and I mess up often, in fact just yesterday I worried. But, with God’s help I will not let the life of worrying consume me, I will not put my faith in the what ifs!